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The worst part about being active—besides the frequent-injurer discount I’ve earned at
the local sports-medicine clinic—is figuring out what to do with all my outdated, broken, and
unfashionable sports gear.
Like the cracked wooden tennis racket that falls on my head every time I open the storage closet.
Or the forgot-it-was-on-the-roof-rack-when-pulling-into-the-garage mountain bike that impales me
whenever I take out the recycling. Some of the stuff I donate, or sell at one of our depressing
yard sales—“A dollar for this bowling ball? I’ll give you 75 cents.”
But what about the junk that’s too far gone? Hello, dumpster.
At least that’s what I thought until Elian Gonzalez gave me this great idea. Well, not Elian
personally. Actually it was a recent news item in the San Francisco Chronicle about someone
who was selling Elian’s “genuine” life raft—supposedly used by the boy and his
mother in their ill-fated escape from Cuba—on the online auction site eBay. The raft attracted
more than 100 bids, including one for $10 million, before eBay torpedoed the proceedings. In the
meantime, the site continued to auction more than 125 Elian-related goodies, such as dirt from his
yard ($2.75) and hair recovered from a trash bin ($50).
A lightbulb—make that a circa-1980s bicycle generator light—flashed in my brain. Why not
sell my old, crappy gear (AKA “genuine sports collectibles”) online? So, as a special
offer, I’m providing a sneak peek at some of these priceless—and I do mean
priceless—offerings before I put them on the eBay auction block.
Lance Armstrong’s cycling shorts ($800)
Highly prized! These black Lycra shorts were worn by Armstrong during his historic victory in the
1999 Tour de France. Signed by Armstrong in silver ink, this item is especially rare because he
accidentally misspelled his name as “Armstrang,” no doubt due to extreme post-race
fatigue. Heightening the shorts’ mystique—and value!—Armstrong has yet to comment
on why the shorts sport a logo not for his sponsor, U.S. Postal Service, but for Bob’s
Bike ’n Mower. Never washed. Suitable for framing.
Mt. Everest sleeping bag ($350)
Near-mint condition! Slept in by member of acclaimed 1999 “Summit Snooze” expedition,
the first-ever to spend the night atop the 29,028-foot peak. This classic was made with
environmentally-friendly cotton-batting insulation, not duck-damaging down or petroleum-depleting
synthetic material found in so-called “modern” bags. Interior features realistic outdoors
motif: spaniel with dead bird in its mouth alongside man with shotgun and Elmer Fudd-style hunting
cap. Bag’s exterior features authenticated s’mores stain where expedition member
carelessly dropped delicious marshmallow-graham cracker-chocolate treat while singing campfire
songs and enjoying the summit’s 40-below-zero temperatures and 100-mph winds.
Michael Johnson’s running shoes ($995)
Authenticated by special five-step process! Top collectors have snapped up the spiked track shoes
used by Johnson in his many 200- and 400-meter victories. But this is a first: ordinary running
shoes, which Johnson used to set a 200 world record (awaiting official verification) at the 1998
Goinrealfast Track Meet in Turkistan, where he forgot his spikes and had to borrow a pair of sneaks.
(Which explains why they are size 8, while Johnson is a 10.) Note the hand-drawn Nike swoosh,
obviously designed to cover the Keds logo and avoid embarrassment for Johnson’s sponsor.
Teeth marks on the toe thought to be from the time Johnson left his shoes out and they got chewed
by his pet pit bull, Donovan Bailey.
Team Hypothermia’s kayak ($1,500)
Deal of the century! Kayak used by winning team in this year’s Eco-Challenge adventure race
in Patagonia, Argentina. Numerous dents and holes caused by death-defying run down Class V rapids
on Patagonia’s infamous Rio NoReturno—not, as rumored, by kayak launching off car roof
at 70 mph on I-80 because stupid ex-friend failed to tighten straps. This amazing price also
includes beer-scented neoprene cockpit skirt, reportedly doused during near-fatal encounter with
legendary beer-can-wielding Buschmen of Patagonia.
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