Let the Games End!

The number of silly activities masquerading as real sports has gotten way out of hand lately. Take ballroom dancing. Please! Following the 1996 Atlanta Games, Olympic muckety-mucks officially recognized “DanceSport” as a legitimate endeavor, paving the way for possible inclusion in the 2008 Games. Sorry, but two people dipping and twirling around a room—each wearing a pound of eyeliner, a quart of mousse, and more spangles than Liberace’s dinner jacket—is not a sport.

Trampoline
Yes, that springy thingie you bounced on in the backyard as a kid—the one that nearly ruined your ability to reproduce when you landed on the metal edge—debuts as a medal sport in Sydney. There’ll be four events: individual, synchronized, tumbling, and “double mini.” Can’t you already hear the hushed tones of the TV announcers: “Here’s Ivan Fallsdownalot of Moldavia on the double mini. Ohhh, just look at that beautiful Quadruple Cannonball! And the judges give him a 9.7! Looks like he’s a lock for the gold, Mary Lou.”
Synchronized Swimming
Anything that involves hair gel (“keeps hair in place,” according to one synch-swim primer), makeup (“brings out the features”) and nose clips (“keeps water out of the ol’ schnozzola”) cannot by definition be a sport. When we want to watch choreographed bathing beauties, we’ll rent an old Esther Williams movie. Sure, synchronized swimming’s been a medal event since ’84, but it’s just too weird to take seriously. Consider this: In a misguided attempt to honor Holocaust victims, the French synchronized swimming team once developed a routine that re-enacted Jews being deported to Nazi concentration camps.
Rhythmic Gymnastics
The highlight of rhythmic gymnastics at the ’96 Games, according to one breathless account, came when “one gymnast tossed a hoop in the air and bounced it off her chest to a teammate.” Whoa. And you thought Michael Johnson’s gold medals in the 200 and 400 meters were a big deal. Take a woman (no men allowed in this event), an empty floor, music, a rope, a hoop, a ball, a club and some ribbon, and what you get is a bad dance recital, not a sport. Rhythmic-gymnastic handicappers say hot bets for gold in Sydney include Ukraine, Russia, Bulgaria, and Belarus. Maybe Communism’s getting the last laugh after all.

Dishonorable Mention

Others sports that don’t belong in the Olympics:

Softball
Not unless they allow malt beverages. Softball without beer is like basketball without dunks, football without long bombs, hockey without fights, baseball without tobacco juice.
Modern Pentathlon
Time to update this venerable five-event test of warrior aptitude. Instead of pistol shooting, fencing, swimming, horseback riding, and cross-country running, modern pentathlon should consist of: rush-hour commuting, boss-placating, email-answering, fast-food drive-up obstacle course, and telemarketer-sparring.
Curling
The Winter Olympics’ version of softball. No booze? No dice. Besides, any activity that involves brooms, sweeping, ice not in cube form, and heavy rock-like objects sounds too much like chores to be part of something called The Games.
Ice Dancing
This is pairs figure skating without the hard parts. No “feats of strength” allowed, and jumps and lifts are “greatly restricted.” (Color-coordinated skates and fingernails, however, are A-OK.) Following this logic, perhaps Olympic officials should permit springboards in the high jump, snorkels in swimming, and big foam hammers instead of gloves in boxing.

—S.M.